MY REBIRTH DAY!
BIG LOVE TO ALL SOULBIRDS WORLD WIDE!
TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!! *spins in circles here*
IT A VERY SPECIAL ONE THIS YEAR!
I mean they always are, it’s the one time of year I give myself permission to FULL OUT LOVE AND PAMPER MYSELF, I have dinners and travel and buy things and gift things to friends, I speak my heart and am Always surprised by the show of Love from friends and family…. always! Since I was a little girl, every birthday is the BEST birthday EVER.
This year means more than THAT!
SO! …. I’ve been through a lot starting in October on ‘09 career problems - deciding to retire and literally crying myself into an epiphany that I can’t stop being me and I had to go THROUGH that challenges, so I may as well write and sing about them.
Losing direction where I’ve been walking a straight path since about 19 ready to give up on my lives passion and mission, THAT’S how bad things got.
A law suit with someone I loved dearly, I remember think to myself in bed one night, this is (at least a fraction of) what a divorce feels like.
Isolating myself spending WAAAAYYYYY to much time alone … I got used to sleeping alone
THE HARDEST PART THOUGH, IS WHEN THE HEALTH PROBLEMS STARTED! It felt like INSULT to INJURY! Because it manifested on my face … hard to explain how it feels to have issues like this while in the public eye… my skins never been perfect, but neither had it ever been in a healing crisis and a crisis it truly WAS.
I realize NOW they are not PROBLEMS (there are FAR worse health problems OBVIOUSLY) but symptoms of cleansing and releasing old toxins and energies. I am still at the tail end of my healing, but things are SO! SO! SOOO much better … but this process, all of it hurt my heart … and then broke it wide open in asking for answers from a place of humility, I got them …
Through all of this I have learned that I was living someone else’s definition of “success” and “good”
What does that have to do with my skin? That’s what I asked MYSELF.
The CLARITY, that facilitated the healing of my skin basically over night,( closest thing I’ve experienced to a miracle) was the realization that I didn’t love myself and because of that I gave my power away! I THOUGHT I did, I sang about that because I was LEARNING that lesson, and I thought I’d reached the threshold and walked over into effortlessly living the practice of LOVING MYSELF.
What I really just COULD NOT SEE! Is that, I judged myself SO HARSHLY. I’ve discovered that I was trained by my early family life, and then by stepping into the public eye at such young age, that I had to ACHIEVE TO BE WORTHY OF LOVE. I felt I had to live up to certain moral and ethical codes set forth by my mother, to be accomplished and different, in other words … I had to be PERFECT to be lovable. I WAS SHOCKED! TO DISCOVER THAT ONE! Consciously I was a “I don’t care what anyone this of me” person, with the neck roll and everything I had PLENTY BLACK GIRL SWAG! I’m gonna be ME, and DO me and I don’t care who don’t like it”
Subconsciously, I didn’t really accept my imperfections, and I didn’t really like when I was not approved of, and I didn’t REALLY LOVE MYSELF.
The TRUTH that I KNEW intellectually, as Carlos Santana would say "You are significant and you matter" because you EXSIST! The benevolent Universe loves us ALL, and has created us all OUT OF THAT LOVE. We are COMPRISED of THAT LOVE! Divine expressions of the DIVINE! How much more worthy can you get that that? It’s not what we DO, or WHO WE ARE … IT”S THAT WE ARE!!! That makes us worthy to be loved.
Yet, we forget this, and the Journey to remembering that has been my journey of this decade and certainly this last 3 years. Really the Journey of my LIFE.
I’ve also learned that I was afraid of my own power, I never thought was this kind of person, in my mind I was full out ready to be my FULL POWER simply because I was attempting to do it!
I wasn’t READY!, when I began to see glimpses of it, it scared me back into my shell, and I (subconsciously of course) sabotaged myself, by attracting abusive relationships, controlling or ineffective business partners, nagging health issues, ruining good relationship, isolating myself of life. I was either IN the house, or on the stage, I had no middle. Because I was always recuperating from some kind of hurt, and then having to get myself together to answer to my business obligations…. avoiding conflict at ALL cost and being afraid that taking over my business would diminish my creative power … I Gave my Power AWAY! Afraid of not having this vision of success someone else set forth if I was TOO powerful
NOW! I FINALLY know what giving your power away means!
How many times have I heard someone say “I gave my power away”?
I have said it many times in my writings, songs (These eyes, There’s hope) and essays (read my soulbird blog) but I didn’t REALLY understand what that meant until THIS YEAR!
giving your power away means: giving someone ( or some THING) power to dictate how you feel about something, mainly YOURSELF.
I realize that it can be a person, a man a woman a parent a relationship of any kind, a judgement from an institution ( the music industry, corporate America, a Job) a commercial or magazine ( beauty ideals) and I have given my power over at different and probably ( at times) all at the same time …to ALL of these things.
When my health went out of balance for the sake of my healing, (thank God for getting my attention) I learned that I had to take my power back by:
1. Accepting what was happening and knowing that my life had to go on even while feeling profoundly flawed
2. It was my responsibility to heal myself.
3. Giving myself the care I needed to heal on a health protocol level including speaking my truth and commanding respect from the people around me.
I SEE now looking back, that embodying my power is separate from TAKING it back, I’ve lived in a constant (exhausting ) state of FIGHTING for my power … for at least the past 6 years. no maybe the last 10 years … come to think of … since my early teens ….
TODAY! My intention is to Love Myself by EMBODYING my power, to have it inside of ME at all times.
I had the opportunity to meet Maya Angelou, the person I most identify with as a Hero, and she said A LOT! of Good stuff, as you can imagine, but my main take away was, what she said when i asked her "when was the last time you felt un empowered" and she thought in silence for at LEAST 60 seconds (that’s a long time when you sitting in the room with someone) and she looked up and said slowly, in that powerful deep voice, …NEVER.
I left there praying that I would be able to say to someone, coming to sit in MY wisdom, when they ask me that question i will say … NOT SINCE ABOUT 60 years ago ,when I was back in my mid 30’s …
Right now at this early stage, loving myself and embodying my power is a practice that lives in the MOMENT. When something comes up and threatens to take myself definition away, I look the monster in the eye. That act of LOOKING can manifest as many thing… PRAYER (talking to God), Meditation (listening to God), journaling, asking to be shown a path to healing … calling one of my elders to talk it through, asking for a message and seeing it come up in the perfect page I turn to, or seeing a movie that illuminates the perfect truth, a dream, remembering something someone said, … but that ALL STARTS with the asking for insight into how to deal with this particular challenge and the answer ALWAYS COMES.
I pray it will be second nature someday … and right now I am enjoying this NEW FEELING OF THE NEW ME. So much more to say about that, not enough time here, but i will say this:
My skin is getting better, my health is back in balance, emotionally and physically, and I have a base line feeling of WELL BEING AT ALL TIMES … this was my ULTIMATE GOAL 3 years ago … mission DEFINITELY accomplished.
October of ‘09 to THIS DAY, OCTOBER 3, 2012!!!
It’s been the most tumultuous time of my life, and that is saying a lot! I’ve had a tumultuous emotional life since the age of 12.
It’s been the most TRANSFORMATIONAL time of my life as well, and THAT is saying a lot, the release of Acoustic Soul, changed EVERYTHING, and YET THIS TIME OF MY LIFE has change me more than ANYTHING I’ve been through to date. I am truly a new me. Is this what growing up is?
Of course now that I feel this phase coming to an end, I look back on it all and am grateful for the growth, knowing the present and the future can’t exist without the past - BUT! I can HONESTLY ( HONESTLY!!) say, even in the MIDST of the challenges I felt and FEEL, HONORED to have had this opportunity to GET TO KNOW WHO I AM, learning my OWN STRENGTH, seeing what I am CAPABLE OF, exercising my COURAGE! and Disciple, my ATHLETIC genes … DEEPER SELF EXPRESSION, dance, and singing in different languages, actively running a business … so much that I didn’t know I could BE! and I DO LOVE ME, I love BEING ME, I accept my challenges, I draw healthy boundaries, and even on my most CHALLENGING DAYS, it’s never enough to make me NOT want to BE ME! I. LOVE. ME!
And the gift this hard time is leaving at the door on its way OUT! …a new chance at love … learning to be open again…
Grateful for it all, I think I have the title for my NEXT album “Surrender” (Thank you Thach)
Today! I’m having a private party, nobody here but me my angels and my guitar singing baby look how far we’ve come yeah! Having private party, learning how to love me, celebrating the woman I’ve become … yeah …. Celebrating the woman I’ve become.
GOD Bless us ALL on OUR JOURNEY! , that is what life is! A JOURNEY, and may you learn your lessons, and receive ALL of your blessings.
very special love to @RobinRoberts for being an inspiration ( more that she knows)
THANK YOU: To the special people in my life who have supported me over these 3 years…
My mom @havenstreet and my brother J’on Simpson for challenging me juuuuust enough to help me to refine my visions.
Donnita Hathaway @donnitacamille
Anasa Troutman @anasat
Densie Francis @denisu81
Stephen Hill @StephenGHill
Carolyn Robbins @iamtheseeke
Choklate Moore @choklate
Ametria Dock @Fruition_info
Chantae Cann @ChantaeCann
Shannon Sanders @_SHANNONSANDERS
Blue Miller (BLUUUUUUUUUEEEE)
Ollie Cotton @necam7
Idan Raichel @Idanraichel1
Tracy Miller @tmapublicity
And to my new friends:
Charles LaMont @CharlesLaMont
Ayinde Howell @Ayinde
Thach Nguyen @thachguyen
With love, Strength, Courage, and Wisdom,
From my Windowsill
October 3, 2012